Choosing to strive
An email flashes on my screen from one of my sons’ teachers. She’s having trouble with the newly virtual learning, and hoped I could help. “No problem,” I write, reflexively. And then I stop – and start over.
“I understand how challenging this situation is,” I write. “I wish I could help. But right now, my plate is beyond full. I'm so sorry.”
As a working mother, I am all too familiar with the constant push-pull between work, home and family. I set clear but flexible boundaries on my work time, my family time – even my never-ending list of home repairs and upkeep. And I adapt endlessly, working to be impactful in the different spheres of my life. Until last week, I had never said no to my boys’ teachers. And then those spheres collided.
Once our schools and offices went virtual, I began to realize how much my capacity for work relied on people and information being easily accessible. Or how much my boundaries relied on my family simply not being home.
The phenomenon of slipping boundaries is not unique to today’s working parents – as we talk with leaders across the country, we’re hearing about a number of ways that boundaries are sliding.
Consider:
The executive who admitted that work doesn’t seem to ever stop, now that we’re all online, all the time. For years, we’ve all answered emails from 9-5, then 8-6, the ease of access leaning on our boundaries. Now? We’re all online, so “work just bleeds into everything,” they said. “Will anyone take vacation this year? Or will we all just keep on going?”
The internal consultant who already had to respond on a global schedule, based on wherever clients were. He’s now doing video calls 24/7, with only remote access to an assistant or colleagues. Everyone is harder to reach, and everyone is struggling to connect.
The change agent who is unable to sit down with the people she’s engaging in her work. Or the young CEO, worried about the wellbeing of her company’s people. Both added meetings to already full days, working to sustain connections.
The leader feeling keenly the absence of his team of direct reports, and hungry for information about their progress on key initiatives. One rising star told us, puzzled, that his manager is now supervising every detail of their work. “Doesn’t he trust me?” he asked. “I thought he did before coronavirus, but now I’m not sure.”
Slipping boundaries are happening everywhere; we are spending more time with each other. Why? To connect, to show our commitment, our impact or simply to reassure ourselves and others.
The shift to work from home cost us a lot of the environment and informal processes that a well-designed workspace enables.[1] And, the pandemic heightened everyone’s stress and anxiety, affecting our capacity to respond. In situations like this, it’s easy to just choose more. More hours on that report, to make sure we’ve really polished it. One more meeting, to check in on that project. One more call. One more edit. But all of these are expensive band-aids – not true solutions.
So: we’re tossing work-life balance out the window to work around the clock, while spending extra time on relationship-building and/or micromanaging. All while many of us are home with the significant other/partner/family that we’re shortchanging. Young parents, unable to ask their baby or toddler to wait, may simply be struggling, unable to step up in the face of a baby’s needs. Employees without children may feel that they’re being asked to step up and carry others’ slack. And leaders may simply burn out.
We have to stop. NOW.
In stressful times, even the most skillful leader will fall back on their fundamental personality traits, rather than relying on conscious, thoughtful decision-making. Achievement- motivated people will focus on setting targets and achieving goals. Affiliation-motivated people will focus on connection. And Influence-motivated people will focus on their impact on others. And, while we’re all motivated by a mix of these three core personality traits (for more on that, see this post), my mix is not your mix – or her mix. What energizes you, doesn’t necessarily energize your people, or meet your company’s needs. And today’s solution may not work tomorrow. Which takes us back to balance.
Balance isn’t a choice, it’s a continued striving.
So let’s make this simple. Pause. Breathe. Ask yourself:
What am I doing?
Why am I doing it?
Should it be done differently, or by someone else?
Talk to your people. Ask them about how they are working, how they’ve adapted and why.
Then, set priorities. What can you tackle? What should you tackle?
Finally, keep it honest. Decide how you will know if your change actually made a difference. Maybe it’s a check in, or a tiny bit of breathing space in your day. A smile on someone’s face. A chance to say ‘yes,’ rather than a painful ‘no.’
A striving for balance.
Footnotes:
[1] For more on the impact of workplace design, try this article: https://hbr.org/2014/10/workspaces-that-move-people